What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 16.06.2025 17:24
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
How often do you watch the news on TV?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I said to her
What are some fun/kinky things to do with your partner?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Can you tell me a depressing story?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was very sick at this time too.
Why was the rock band Kiss so successful?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why do Democrats never produce a good argument for why Trump was a bad president?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Ive learnt so much.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was seconnd youngest,
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But it wasn’t much.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
So, i spoilt her more .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My life is so biszare .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She loved him until the end.
I was 9 years of age.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I waited trembling.
I have no regrets .
But ive been too sick for many years..
Who then, do I blame.?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One cannot live in the past .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We all went to grammer schools
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He knew the spot.
Would this be the day?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
It was going to be , some day.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
This is soul school!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She wouldn,t have been !
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Especially a lifetime of it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Was to survive, this bastard.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
All the time i was locked up.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My family never makes their pension either.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im still living with it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I will be 64.
When she asked me how she looked .
But, we were locked up after school.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We were not on the streets..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I think the readers, may guess!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
What did i know ?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She was in good health!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I don,t even have a pension.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She married twice! .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Comes on , in middle age.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Put me off passion for life!!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So whats the point in blame.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And i lived it daily.
She found it foreign!.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was scared of men, in general
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
They are buried together, in the same grave..